Saturday, July 23, 2005

Cynic

As I was fervently attempting to write my thesis . . . okay not really I was stuck and needed a break I decided to use the old procrastination from college AIM. Unexpectedly an old acquiantance ( I guess that is the nicest thing to call him) imed me out of the blue. We never got along in college and I found it odd that he imed me, but due to my dire circumstance (the need to procrastinate and not have another soul to aid me in this endeavor) I decided to respond.

We started with a general conversation and then things turned to what we both we doing, him getting his DVM and me my masters and eventually a PhD. Now here is where I made a huge mistake - me joking said (typed) "It's not fair that you will have your doctorate in 5 yrs and mine will take at least 7. A PhD must be better than a DVM." Certainly he must have known I was merely joking; however he decided to launch into a tirade abt how I am a cynic & critic, blah blah blah. I signed off.

However upon further reflection I did realize I am a cynic and I don't think I like it too much. I always chalked it more up to jealousy. Jealous that former roommates and friends could go out and drink and not feel guilty about the money they spent. Jealous that they could be carefree or seemingly so. My thoughts were only confirmed by a discussion with my thesis prof when I told him that I didn't know if I really could complete a thesis. After a discussion he asks/tells me "I imagine you haven't been foolish recently." I was devastated that I couldn't prove him wrong.

The last things that come to my mind of instances when I was foolish . . .
  1. Ecuador - Skinny dipping/sliding down a really large concrete water slide buck naked. If you were naked it went a lot faster and it was worth it. (Summer 2003)
  2. Ecuador - making out with Ecuadorian men (Summer 2003)
  3. Sophomore yr- making out with 3 different Scotts in the same weekend.
  4. Freshman yr- pretty much in general most of the things I did were foolish but alas fun and very much worth it.

I feel as a 22 year old going on 23 shortly my list of recently foolish items should be a lot longer than that. What is wrong with me? Is it wrong to be a driven person? Currently, my answer is yes! Being a driven person has caused me stress that I choose to deal with by myself which in turn causes more stress . . . I'll have to figure this problem out. Suggestions welcome.

posted by Tricia @ 7:08 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

It Begins

I am suffering the repercussions of being forced to grow up too early. I really do mean too early. While I enjoy the person I have become there are several aspects of my being that I am finding extremely difficult to change.

  1. Recognizing the fact that I can be focused and have fun at the same time - Some how this idea seems to elude me. I had a good handle on it freshman and sophomore year of college then I focused on my higher education, what a mistake! There are plenty of people in the world who are doing better than I am who did not work nearly has hard as I did in college. What happened to me?
  2. The more I try not to mimic my parents the more like them I become- Really generally people eventually think this is a good attribute; however, I am the product of a divorce and remarriage and considering that I feel I highlight the worst traits of my parents this cannot be good.
  3. Stress - it will be the death of me, I can almost guarantee it. I do not handle it very well.
  4. Almost linked to #3, I have become increasingly emotional. Generally, this would be a good attribute considering I learning very well when I was young how to hide my emotions.

Finally, as adulthood and responsibility loom closer to me the more I want to shirk away.

posted by Tricia @ 9:13 PM 0 comments